Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
