you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She just used a chaser for red wine.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
