This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
