and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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