My first STD was from a foam party
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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