wanna go halves on a baby?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Randomize
