It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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