theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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