who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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