Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Come see our sink grown plant.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
