When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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