A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Why did my mother make you get naked?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
