Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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