i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
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The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
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we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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