They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
