just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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