No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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