I checked into jail on foursquare
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
