Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
this beer tastes like vomit already
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize