I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
