I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
