wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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