wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
