my phone needs a breathalizer
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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