i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You pole danced in your parka.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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