Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
