....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
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I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
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You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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