I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
