One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
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