I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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