girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize