so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
