Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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