our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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