Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
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I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
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how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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