I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
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