my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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