Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
