please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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