The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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