If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
