Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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