the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Damn victory sex feels great
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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