I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i love accidental penises.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
