i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He has the fingertips of a God
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