i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
