guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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