the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
