the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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