Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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