So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
