Four minutes until I can fart!
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
