I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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