Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
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