i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
