Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
