My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
